Helping Your Children

I was raised in a very loving home. My father was in the Army for much of my early years, and my mother pretty much raised my sister and me on her own. It was never easy for her. She contracted Polio when she was in her twenties, before I even started school. She spent eleven months in the hospital and when she finally came home, she still had a difficult time getting around. She entirely lost the use of her left arm and her legs were weak. My father received a hardship leave and was stationed close to home while she was in the hospital. We lived with my grandparents during that time. As soon as Mom came home, he was shipped overseas again.

There was never a lot of money and Mom struggled to keep us going financially, along with her on-going physical challenges. By the time I was in the third grade, she had gone back to work full-time, but it was still pretty tough. Somehow she managed, and when there was something extra that we wanted or needed, she did her best to get it for us. She would do without herself in order to give us what we needed or wanted. Not that she gave us everything. We knew better than to expect it.

I remember one year when we were a little older and school was about to start. Mom didn't have the money to buy us new clothes. She asked her boss (some crotchety, mean old lady) for an advance on her pay for the week so she could buy us each a new outfit for the first day of school. Her boss begrudgingly gave it to her, but I think she humiliated Mom in the process. I can remember it like it was yesterday, looking around in the store, knowing what she had gone through. I didn't really care about something new, and didn't even want anything, but she insisted. It was a sad, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I reluctantly picked out an inexpensive dress.

Even as adults, when we got out on our own, if my sister or I ever needed anything, she was there to help as much as she could. My Mom passed away in 2002, but this is how I remember her most. She generously gave us her time and energy, along with what material things she could manage.

This caring, loving, giving way of life has stayed with me. Today I want very much to be able to help my children. We actually did o.k. with our children and were able to give them what they needed and a good bit of what they wanted, within reason of course. Now, as young adults, some are doing o.k. and some are not. Sadly, I cannot help them.

The problem is my husband. He was raised very differently. The minute they turned 18 they were on their own. They either paid rent or moved out. They were responsible for their own medical expenses. It was as if his parents said, "That's it. You are 18 and I'm done." Is that really what family is all about? I don't think so and neither did my mother.

We are constantly in disagreement about this issue. I just wish he could see how good the feeling is to be more giving. He says that I am too benevolent. There are a number of things going on with our children right now, and we seem to be in disagreement about all of them.

My life is richer because of my Mom and the way I was raised. Her giving nature taught me compassion, generosity, and love. And when all is said and done, those rewarding sacrifices are not really sacrifices at all.